


Recall

by Elivra



Series: Tender Nothings [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Cannot write smut sorry, M/M, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 19:57:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13348410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elivra/pseuds/Elivra
Summary: A continuation from my other three-parter, Acatalepsy. Erwin and Levi deal with the aftermath of their most infamous expedition (yet). Rated for language.This story can be read individually or as ordered chronologically inTender Nothings.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> H-okay, so I'm definitely a lost cause. Eruri has consumed my life. This three-part story is supposed to be a sequel to my other fic 'Acatalepsy' so I suggest reading that first. Plot-wise it's all canon, so you shouldn't be missing much though.
> 
> Hope you guys like it and happy reading!
> 
> Disclaimer: Not me, not mine. Yadda yadda.

 

* * *

_**Chapter I** _

It has been a quiet couple of months. In his two years as a soldier, Levi has never seen the place this empty, this... _quiet_. He welcomed it at first, proclaiming to anyone who asked that he liked that the annoying bustle was gone, that there were fewer messes to clean. But then he comes under the spell, too. Without realising it, his footsteps are softer, his words more spare. He was never a social person to begin with and now he goes days without talking to a single soul.

There had been some activity to begin with. Erwin had said they might need further 'reinforcements' and so there had been a flurry of training and simulations, keeping everyone busy, leaving everyone hoping and not hoping that their turn was next.

Erwin was a rare sight in those days. He spent more time at the Capital than at the Headquarters, and not once had he asked Levi to go with him. Levi was hardly certain if he was glad or not of that fact.

Then, four weeks later, Erwin had come back one final time from the Capital. Training exercises were scaled back: scheduled more for keeping the remaining soldiers occupied and fit, rather than preparing them for battle.

True to the contradictory spirit pervading the HQ, nobody seemed sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

And then began the sense of lethargy, with a heavy side of guilt. Laughter in their castle was rare, more often than not a result of drinking binges. People lurked in corridors, spoke in whispers. One morning, Levi saw Nanaba crying at breakfast, slow tears coursing down her gaunt, impassive face.

Levi now feels as if he is walking on a thin rope. Soon, he feels, he will snap. Perhaps he will slip over the walls himself to lend his strength to the fighting masses. Perhaps he will sneak into the Capital and slit the throat of every rat-faced, pot-bellied noble. Or perhaps he will just sink back into the earth, back to the Underground, where at least the darkness is only in his eyes.

He is contemplating this over his usual breakfast of tea and plain bread, when the doors of the mess hall slam open and Hange tumbles in.

"They -they're back," she wheezes loudly. The clatter of cutlery stops, the murmurs die down. Erwin pushes back his chair from his lonely table and the screech makes several people wince.

"How many?" He asks, quietly, but the room is silent enough for everyone to hear him.

Hange breathes deeply. "Come and see."

Levi exchanges a glance with Keiji, who sits opposite him. Neither of them has missed the pause in her words.

Levi then looks to Erwin, who is already walking to the doors, breakfast abandoned. At the last moment, he stops and glances back. Brilliant blue eyes meet his dark gaze.

His meaning cannot be plainer.

Levi leaves his own breakfast behind as he joins the waiting Commander. From the other end of the room, Mike lopes over just as silently. Without another word, they follow Hange together.

* * *

"How many?" Levi asks again, disbelieving.

"Around a hundred. Hundred and four people to be exact."

The four of them stare at the physician, dumbstruck. Then Mike walks over to the windowsill and sinks down on it.

Erwin speaks for them. "And how many…"

"Five, that I could see."

_Five._

Hange joins Mike at the window but she slumps straight down on the ground. "Five," she repeats in a hollow voice.

"I would like to see them." Erwin says. "All of them."

The physician sighs tiredly. "Not now, you won't. They're injured, malnourished, dehydrated, and exhausted."

"Perhaps if I could speak to one of them-"

"Erwin." Levi can't keep quiet anymore and at the same time, Hange snaps, "Oi, Erwin. What more do they have to say? The expedition failed. At least for us-"

Erwin glares at her so coldly she shuts up. He turns to the physician. "Please let me know as soon as I can talk to someone. Any one of them."

"I'll be sure to do that, Commander," the physician says drily. Since there's nothing more to be said, they watch him hurry back outside, on his way, no doubt, to the hospital.

There is a long moment of silence before Erwin speaks. "Hange." She looks up at him from her perch on the floor.

"Don't ever speak like that to me, especially in front of a civilian. As your commanding officer, I expect better."

Without waiting for her response or even looking at her, he strides away. Hange grits her teeth and looks at the ground again. "Understood," she mutters into thin air.

* * *

For a week after that Levi only hears rumours. If there were meetings or discussions, he took no part in them. But he doesn't mind; the rumours themselves are informative enough.

By the end of the week everyone knows that only 104 people returned from the Reclamation Expedition. Only five out of those were Survey Corps soldiers. Apart from a Garrison soldier, all the rest were civilians. Two of them died of their injuries the day they returned. A Survey Corps survivor died four days later. The Garrison soldier had to have two of her limbs amputated. Another civilian died on the fifth day. They had brought no bodies back, so in the end there were only four funerals.

This information is passed around almost secretly, despite the fact that an official declaration has just confirmed the same. Levi understands, though. This is hardly news to shout about.

It feels like déjà vu to Levi when the mess doors slam open again and Hange comes bounding in, _again_. But she heads straight to Levi and says, "Erwin is asking for you."

Once again, he pushes away his tea and bread and walks away, ignoring Hange's calls that he can finish his breakfast.

When he enters Erwin's office, he sees he is waiting for him.

"Levi, thank you for coming."

Levi simply grunts in reply.

"Did you breakfast already?"

"Can we skip the fucking niceties, Erwin?" Levi asks him point-blank.

Erwin sighs. "I would like you to accompany me today."

Levi crosses his arms over his chest. "The Capital again?" He hopes Erwin knows better than to take him to that fucking cesspool, now of all times.

"No, here in Trost. I have a meeting with someone."

"Who?"

Erwin ignores that question. "Will you come?"

"You're asking me."

"Yes."

They stare at each other, both clearly thinking of the last time Erwin had asked rather than commanded Levi.

"Why me?" Levi asks finally.

Erwin pauses minutely. "I need you."

"Not Mike or Hange or-"

" _You_ , Levi."

Déjà vu again. "And if I say no?"

Again, Erwin simply shrugs.

Levi sighs harshly. "Fine. When is it?"

"I'm leaving in ten minutes-"

"I'll wait at the carriage."

Levi stalks out of the office before Erwin can say anything else. For some reason, he can't bear to look at his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yup, so this is still dealing with the Reclamation Expedition. Armin mentions the survivors were 'around a hundred' and that's all the information we've got, as far as I'm aware. In case you don't remember, just to make the numbers make sense to you, also to explain their reactions: the number of people that originally left on the Expedition was 250000. That's right. Two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand people left and 'around a hundred' came back.
> 
> Ugh.
> 
> On another note, Hange, I am certain, must have clashed plenty with Erwin when he began as Commander. Before being made Commander, Erwin had the same ranking as Hange, that of Squad Leader. So clashes will for sure have arisen, yes? We even see her arguing frankly enough in the 'Ilse's Notebook' OVA, after all. I haven't been able to flesh this aspect of their dynamic much in this story, but I hope to do so in the future!
> 
> So, coming up (tomorrow, most likely) - where is Erwin going and why does he need Levi?
> 
> As always, do let me know what you think of this chapter! Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay, guys! Work got hectic, you know how it is. :/ At any rate, here's the next one. A little short, but this one was really difficult for me to write. You'll see what I mean.  
> Thank you so much for the appreciation! I'm really glad you guys like the story so far! :)
> 
> Warning: Some disturbing descriptions ahead.
> 
> Happy reading!

* * *

_**Chapter II** _

The carriage ride is quiet and uneventful. Erwin has a folder on his lap, something he keeps glancing at so frequently it seems like a nervous tic. Their carriage crosses the inner gate into the town and soon stops at a small, plain house in a row of identical plain houses.

Erwin instructs the carriage man to wait and walks up to the door and knocks.

There is no answer, but Levi can hear someone shuffling inside. Erwin knocks again. Still no response.

He raises his hand to knock a third time when the door opens by a fraction.

"Commander Smith," says a faintly familiar voice.

"May I come in?"

There is a very palpable moment of hesitation.

"Fine."

The door is opened fully, and Levi follows Erwin inside. The interior of the house is dark, musty. A small fire is dying in the fireplace. Levi can smell food going off in the kitchen.

"Please," the man drawls, pointing at two plain wooden chairs. "I guess I must apologize. Had I known the great Commander Erwin and Captain Levi would be gracing my home with their presence, I'd have gotten better furniture." Levi doesn't like the clear barb in the voice.

The voice itself seems more familiar, so does the man's face. He has a scraggy grey beard, which matches his unruly grey hair. Though clearly tall, he leans heavily on a crutch, making his shoulders appear stooped.

Erwin glances around. "Is there a third chair?"

The man shrugs.

"I'll stand," Levi says immediately, uncomfortably. Who the hell is this man and why does Levi have to be here?

"Wouldn't make a difference, I guess," the man snorts. Levi clenches his fists. Who the _fuck_ is this man?

Erwin waits, all politeness, until the man sits. Then he begins.

"Apologies for seeking you out at home like this, Philip-"

 _Philip_. Levi almost gasps out loud but manages to keep his deadpan expression. _It can't be_. He remembers Philip Dashman as a strapping, energetic soldier of twenty. He had last seen the young man only two months ago, before he was sent out to reclaim Wall Maria with the refugees. The bitter man sitting in front of him looks nothing like him…

"Captain Levi looks shocked," Philip notes. "You look more my age than I do, at any rate."

Levi is at a loss for words. Erwin comes to his rescue. "I simply need a quick debriefing of the Expedition, Philip. And then we'll leave you in peace."

"Peace! Ha!" Philip's voice is suddenly loud, jarring. Yes, this most certainly is the young soldier Levi knew. "You think that's what I have now, Commander? Peace and quiet, restful for the soul? There's no place like home, after all." He lets out a sudden harsh giggle that sends a shiver down Levi's spine.

"Philip," Erwin continues stoically, gently perhaps. "You don't have to go into details."

"No, you wouldn't want that, would you?" Philip chuckles, but his dark eyes are flat. Dead. "You wouldn't want to hear how many people died shitting their pants. How many of your precious fucking soldiers were cowards."

"Just a week-by-week progress is fine."

Levi is frozen stiff in shock and disgust.

Philip now has a mad glint in his eyes. "Very well. Week one, I saw a pregnant woman bit in half. Week two, my best friend was crushed to a pulp. Week three, one of your _brave_ soldiers pushed me into a ravine and left me to die. An old man rescued me and died in my place. Week four, a large group of cadets broke line and ran, abandoning us. Do you want me to go on?"

Erwin is still calm, his face impossibly frozen in that polite mask. "An overview of your section's progress would be preferable."

Philip raises his eyebrows in mock concern. "Oh, dear me, I didn't realise that's what you wanted. Alright, then, week one, there were four hundred of us. Week two there were a hundred and fifty. We had made it a quarter of the way to Maria. Week three we were less than a hundred. Week four there were twenty of us." Levi cannot help his sudden movement. "The cadets ran, you see," Philip explains rationally. "Week five we finally reached Shiganshina. Week six we started to make our way back. There were seven of us. Weeks seven and eight took away four more. Week nine was when Sara and I returned. Then, of course, they took away an arm and a leg from her. But that's alright, because she has one of each left."

There is a long moment of resounding silence.

"Is that enough?" Philip spits.

Erwin stands up. "That will do. Thank you for having us over, Philip. We apologize for taking up so much of your time."

"Oh, that's alright," Philip shrugs, mirroring Erwin's polite tone with a viciously mocking edge. "I was only watching the fire die down, and I haven't missed much." He gestures at the fireplace which now has mostly glowing embers and a lick or two of flames.

Erwin has not looked away once from the man, and yet he remains as mild as if he was given the itinerary of a fun picnic in the countryside. "Your contribution to our efforts has been noted and will not be forgotten. Thank you."

Erwin starts to leave and Levi can't get out of the house soon enough. Still, Philip manages to have the last word.

"I suppose that means there's a plot of soil waiting for me at the HQ? Forget it," he growls. "At least in death I don't want anything to do with this fucking land and lesser still with you spineless hypocrites."

Levi steps out of the house into the harsh sunlight. Erwin offers Philip his hand. "Good day, Philip."

"I hope you die alone in a ditch, Erwin Smith." With that, Philip slams the door shut on his face. Erwin lets his outstretched hand fall a moment later.

Then he turns to Levi.

Levi barely registers the sound of the carriage pulling up behind them. He blurts, "I'm walking."

Without waiting for a response, he struts away, forcing himself to not turn back, Erwin's blank look burnt into his vision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ugh, very little to explain here, I think. I hope Philip's behavior is not too out-there. Considering what he must have gone through, his disillusionment and even anger is justified, I think. Erwin and Levi clearly think so, because they don't call him out on it, not even once.
> 
> The aftermath is coming up, and I promise I'll update faster! As always, please let me know what you think of the story so far. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, the Eruriness we've all been waiting for! It's muted, tbh, but, well, I am a sucker for slow burn fics.
> 
> Without further ado, happy reading!

* * *

_**Chapter III** _

He stays outside the whole day. He trains, lifts weights, spars with some subordinates. Then he takes to the woods, ripping apart the sawdust-filled cushions that serve as fake napes to their Titan effigies. And then he just flies, swinging from tree to tree mechanically, trying hard to focus on the snicking and whispering sounds of his gear and on the roar of the wind in his ears. Everytime a stone-cold marble face appears in his vision, he cuts something up -a shrub, a Titan figure, _something_ to absorb his pent-up violent emotions.

He only returns inside when it is too dark out to see where he is going. He can hear a low murmur of voices from the mess hall but avoids it resolutely. He just wants this fucking day to end. With that thought in mind, even if he isn't remotely sleepy, he makes his way to his room.

At the end of the corridor, he halts abruptly.

Someone is sitting on the floor outside his room, leaning against his door, legs stretched out wearily. The torchlight gleams on a head of smooth blond hair.

"What the fuck." Levi can't help snarling.

Erwin looks up and his severe expression seems to soften somehow. "Levi," he murmurs.

Levi hesitates only for a split second. "The hell are you doing here?" He approaches his door, fishing out his key from his pocket. "And get up, you look fucking disgraceful down there."

"It doesn't matter," Erwin says and stands up anyway. That is when the smell hits him.

"You've been drinking again."

"Yes." No explanations, no excuses.

"Tch." Levi leaves the door open behind him, half-hoping that he won't follow into the cold, draughty room. But of course, Erwin walks in, calmly shuts the door and calmly sits on the chair next to Levi's neat table.

He's too fucking calm.

"What do you want?" Levi asks resentfully.

"To talk. And… apologize. If you let me."

"Apologize for what." He unbuckles his gear and places it neatly in its proper shelf. "Drinking?"

Even though he isn't looking at him, Levi can hear the smile in Erwin's voice. "No. You're not my mother, after all."

"Damn right I'm not." Still not looking at him, he proceeds to unclasp the myriad buckles on his uniform.

"I wanted to apologize for subjecting you to the… scene this morning."

Levi pauses at a buckle on his thigh. He finally looks up at Erwin, anger spiking. "Are you a freak or something? Do you get off on this shit?"

Erwin looks taken aback. "What?"

"I was there because _you fucking asked me_ , Erwin. Why the _fuck_ would you ask me to come and then apologize?"

"I asked you. You could have said no."

"Bullshit. You knew I'd say yes." He is attacking his buckles again. "I _always_ say yes, and you know it."

"Levi," Erwin says in a measured tone. "I admit I expect you to follow my every command and I appreciate that you do. But this morning, I didn't give you a command. I gave you a choice."

"A _choice_?" Levi lets out a bark of angry laughter. "There was no fucking _choice_ there. You didn't even tell me where we were going. What sort of secretive bloody choice is that?" Levi stands up, belts hanging off his waist unheeded. "What you're doing is playing games. Now, you may be good at doing all that political sneaky shit and you may even enjoy it, I don't give a fuck. But what I do not _appreciate_ , is being played with, like the rest of them." He narrows his eyes. "Keep your manipulation for the rich fucking nobles."

Erwin's eyes are wider than before. "I… I understand." He looks down at his hands in his lap. "I'm sorry, Levi. I needed you and I didn't think… I didn't realise how it came across to you."

Levi huffs. "Whatever. Why did I have to be there anyway?"

Erwin's shoulders slump. "I told you. I needed you."

"Why?"

Erwin is quiet for so long that Levi turns away and works on his straps again. But he hears Erwin clearly when he says in a soft voice, "Because I didn't want to go there alone."

Levi finishes removing the last uniform strap. Placing them just as neatly next to his gear, he walks up to Erwin. Something about his voice has made his heart twinge, and the emotions that had welled up in him at Philip's cold home that morning rise to the fore.

He knows he wants to say something but he doesn't know what. He just knows that his next words are not what he had in mind at all.

"Mike could've kept you company."

"You're not Mike."

An unexpected snort. "Clearly. That man is half-titan."

Erwin smiles wanly.

"Why me?" Levi persists. A part of him feels stupid, pathetic to be insisting on this point. But he has to know. He just _has_ to know why.

Erwin answers without hesitation. "Because you give me strength. Unsurprising, perhaps, from humanity's strongest." A small pause. "I could not have gone forward with what I did today without you, Levi. You… ground me."

Levi crosses his arms over his chest defensively, heat spreading over his cheeks. "I did nothing," he mutters.

"Your presence was enough."

"I did nothing," Levi says again, at a loss, really, to say anything else.

"You're quite wrong."

A long pause succeeds this, and for the life of him, Levi can't bring himself to look at Erwin.

"So why did you have to go?"

Erwin sighs. "We needed debriefings from everyone. All the survivors. Philip alone refused to talk. And so I had to hound him down."

Levi grits his teeth. Philip's mad, mocking laugh is ringing in his ears again.

"What's being done?" He asks, and Erwin understands.

"I'm -I'm hoping to go to the Capital next week to petition for some provisions for the survivors. I'm also looking for funding from other sources." Another sigh, and Erwin kneads his forehead with two fingers. "I was thinking I could set up a fund, perhaps, or try and redirect some of the Corps' resources…"

"Are you shitting me? We can barely manage to afford our Expeditions as it is."

"Yes. But I _must_ do something."

Levi sits down on his bed. "Philip won't take anything."

"Not from us," Erwin admits. "I'll have to try some other means… I have some ideas…"

Levi is so quiet that Erwin looks up at him. Misreading his look, he says, "I have to do _something_."

"That's not on you."

"Of course it is. I am the face of the Survey Corps. It is up to me to get something done." Erwin glares at the stone floor. "Something. Anything."

There is a pause, then Levi stands up abruptly. "What you should do now, is sleep. You need rest, Erwin." Erwin half-smiles at him, which makes him add irritably, "You look like shit."

Erwin stands up too, slowly. "Yes. I suppose I will." He comes to stand in front of Levi and they look at each other for one, long, understanding moment.

Then Erwin places his hand gently on Levi's shoulder. "Thank you, Levi."

Levi's throat is tight. "For?" He rasps.

"Well." Erwin makes a vague gesture with his hand and his smile widens. "Everything."

For a moment, for a split-second, it feels like Erwin is leaning all his weight on the hand on Levi's shoulder. And in that moment, he suddenly seems to feel the weight of the guilt, of the heavy responsibility that Erwin must shoulder all day, everyday. He is left speechless, overwhelmed, and simply jerks his head in a single, eloquent nod.

A single warm squeeze of his shoulder -and Erwin walks away.

"Oi, Erwin," Levi throws over his shoulder and he hears the footsteps pause. "I'm cleaning out your liquor cabinet tomorrow."

A low chuckle. "Good night, Levi."

"Yeah." He slams the door shut.

The room is suddenly not cold anymore.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ah, yes. Waking up to that particular brand of guilt that is Erwin's. But yes, I could not keep the tenderness away, no more so than Levi, who couldn't stay mad at Erwin for long. Sorry if their exchange didn't seem romantic enough, but I think their situation at the moment justifies it?
> 
> This chapter concludes this little story in what I'm hoping will be a series of canon Eruri moments. I make no promises, but I really, really hope to write more!
> 
> This is really how I see canon Erwin and Levi together, on the whole. Not very expressive of their feelings, toeing the line between professional and affectionate, always weighed down by their grim reality. *sigh* Well, this is my own opinion though, and I'd really love to hear what you think! So, as always, please do let me know what your thoughts are. Thanks for reading!


End file.
